It worked out well. The Ayn Rand thing is key. Defining character trait. *, “I didn’t want to find the widest possible list of matches, I wanted to find specific matches who might be a good fit for my brand of weird.”. Or, as my husband told me last weekend: “you’re so stubborn, it’s really great – it means you hold firm with the kids and I can’t get away with shit. I like books so much, he’s willing to find space in the family budget and sit on the couch with me while on his ipad while I read every evening). I don’t know if I was just super lucky, but in my brief period of online dating I used the Guardian newspaper’s Soulmates and I never got any gross / unwelcome messages. I’m sure I would have got some if I’d used it long enough, but it has the advantage of being fairly expensive to subscribe to (and you have to be a subscriber to send a message) which I think helps cut down the onslaught of stuff you get in other dating sites. I finally clicked with someone via that site last fall and haven’t been on since, which is apparently for the best. I think our bookshelves should date. I also hate that I might unintentionally give the other person certain expectations or drive them away before I’ve had a chance to get to know them and figure out what, if anything, I want from them. Now I’m thinking that I do want someone– But obviously “I want someone who will stand in for the interest my mom had in my life while she focuses on her healing and I try to help her” is kind of… not great. It acts as a deterrent for people who are a bad fit, and an advertisement to those who are a great fit. The same timeline, basically, that a person would need to bring up having kids or something else that would be a personal dealbreaker. You aren’t saying “YOU MUST GIVE ME A COMMITMENT” or giving them an ultimatum. @ Mrs Morley, physical preference isn’t the same as a hard rule, though. I want to be with a man who sees me take my shirt off and goes ‘oh god you’re so hot’ and MEANS it. “A new species to name after myself!”. Physical holes were being filled, not emotional ones, and damn did I want something real. Again, as with #5, above, if you never take a stand, you won’t ever get what you want. Being picky about who you spend your time with is one of the best things about online dating. There’s incredible value in learning to communicate what you want. Dr. Pat Love Defines Four Basic Keys to Loving, 5 Ways to Rewrite Your Breakup Story and Feel Better. FOR, LIKE, MONTHS. I find it baffling. In Love Scripts for Dating, you’ll learn exactly how to make a man deeply attracted to you and exactly what to say so that he feels compelled to keep calling you, asking you out, and moving things forward in a relationship… all by himself. For instance, a common feeling is “I want to be loved and accepted all the time no matter what I do or what mistakes I make.” Expressing this directly may seem unreasonable, but actually stating this feeling in this vulnerable way will often stir up sadness and openness in both you and your partner. Most partners can relate to this feeling and most will feel moved by your openness. Some of them are going to use that profile to represent themselves really well and see who messages. Thank you for asking it! I have never had the guts to be upfront about my asexuality in dating websites (unless I was talking to other asexuals), but I realized that I probably came across as really closed off, as I’d spend the date imagining they’d want physical interaction with me, which kept me in a state of panic. Typos also happen. Jackasses. You won’t enjoy it and neither will they. I had to learn this the hard way. 1. I believe she eventually relaxed it to marry a dude who was 5’11”. Post was not sent - check your email addresses! This is genius! It’s hard. I have yet to see what the problem is with being exclusionary though. So, what if you used this question as a way to fantasize about the kind of person you are attracted to and compatible with rather than to define the kind of relationship you want esp. That was such an awesome dating profile. For some people these things genuinely are important, which is fair enough, but sometimes you just vaguely assume ‘oh that person won’t like me, my music isn’t cool enough’ or something like that. “There is no right answer, only *your* answer.” I needed to read exactly this today. But if you’re dating to meet people and see where it goes—which may well be nowhere—then there’s nothing wrong with stating that. And then when you do like or message someone, there is very little chance that you will hear back since they have to do the same thing. When my first relationship ended after going a decade plus, flipping what was missing led to a list for me with items like wants to spend time with me in public, respects my knowl I would like a dollar for every man who messages me to tell me that I’m doing profiles wrong, and that if I’m so picky I’ll never find someone. For example, one woman started by saying that she wanted more affection from her husband. So it’s amazing to think about how to actually use a dating site in a positive and thoughtful way to present the side of me that can be prickly and a bit Much (according to 90% of men including my father) with the opinions, and to give myself some space and kindness to work out what partner fits the new spaces in my life. The reason so many people avoid acknowledging what they want is that there are often strong emotions attached to wanting. And thankfully no more deeply heartfelt but *wildly* misdirected “I am looking for my soulmate, someone to get married to and grow old with”. The fact that they honed in on that detail and thought I’d enjoy arguing about it was an excellent “weeding out” tool. You feel empowered when you live in a state of wanting. And surprisingly, if I’m patient, what I need/want will always show up. That doesn’t mean “No introverts,” just that I want someone who draws people to him and welcomes them in. I’m cringing reading that, to be honest. That the damage settling for less does to your self-esteem is far greater than heartbreak of rejection. Seriously. I want you to be neater. If their way is one that you find pointless or bland or repugnant, clearly they are not the person for you, and that is okay. Same! You can write a gorgeous essay of all of your must-haves and dealbreakers and guys will still ignore it. Like: come see me when you’re actually into me. Maybe just type up the second paragraph, then reiterate and get in depth a bit more within the first few dates, after they’ve had a chance to feel out whether they think the relationship would be a casual or long-term one. I was not trying to critique, indirectly or otherwise. Otherwise, we’d all be obliged to date everyone we’ve ever met. I think physical preference is a good hill to focus on. I love this question that answers itself & the Captain’s response too. In my 30 years working with couples, I’ve noticed that most people have an easy time describing what they don’t want in their relationship. Re: your comment above, I know that panic so well! So chin up: you are the best advocate for your own needs and boundaries. If you think fat jokes are funny I’m never going to laugh at you (well, I might laugh AT you, but I certainly won’t laugh WITH you). Personally I’m open to a range of relationship options – depending on who the other person is, what our chemistry is like, and what else is going on in my life at the time. People’s reactions to that fact told me a lot about who they were. Then I probably don’t want to deal with your expectations. about his attraction to me; I found this overwhelming because I have had so little experience of this, but also very reassuring. Not possible. I think LW should also know that it’s FINE for them to not know exactly what kind of relationship they want. By the same token, you shouldn’t feel the need to overly explain or apologize for what you’re saying. LW, you say you are 100% not into “being treated like crap.” There are some universals, but might you drill down on that a bit of what’s specifically felt like crap to you in the past and express a wish for the inverse? You are physically and verbally demonstrative. As for scripts, let’s take your letter as a guide. He thought that I was interesting and we met two days later. “Google ‘Beth Ditto naked’, subtract the tattoos and goth hair, and you’ll get the idea. Yeah, looking back I think I actually read your perspective from the opposite point of view as what you were saying. Same with mentioning that I’m tall. The answer comes far less easily, as they pause to reflect on a question they haven’t necessarily asked themselves, at least in a long time. I am totally stealing all of this! Saying “I love you,” moving in together, and taking your first vacation as a couple are all joyous occasions to celebrate in a relationship. This number…, Dr. Pat Love describes four basic actions to take that constitute a concrete offering of love and can, therefore, dramatically…, How to make sense of and feel better about a breakup. Stay vulnerable – For so many people, it’s very hard to say what they want out loud or even admit it to themselves. Don’t use victimized language – Refusing to act victimized is an important principle to hold in general. It’s also a way of being vulnerable that allows your partner to really know and feel for you. So I think I had to start writing – if you’re a ghoster, try Tinder instead. You are in sync with yourself, and you have more direction in your life. They’ve changed the system a lot in a way that I feel leads to more real interactions – seem to be trying to position it as NOT like Tinder or other similar “swipe” apps. Marrying someone who saw it as a flaw to overcome would have been a recipe for disaster.). I had the exact same problem (or maybe exact inverse, with the same outcome?) I would have been far better off had I spent that time doing stuff that makes me happy or really just . In his blog, “Don’t Play the Victim Game,” Dr. Robert Firestone wrote “Maintaining a child victim role leads to chronic passivity.” It’s important not to be passive aggressive toward your loved ones. The question just feels like an invitation for an up-sell. When I was online dating 6+ years ago, this was mostly what was in the “What I’m Looking For” section of my OKCupid profile: You are gregarious, outgoing, and have closely knit community of friends and/or family around you. I have countless male clients telling me every month that their partners rarely let them know what they like about them. Yes! Also, Captain? Like – being single is better than being in a bad relationship, dating the wrong person leads to a bad relationship, excluding the people who you’d have to contort yourself into a pretzel to date leads to fewer bad relationships… therefore, being exclusionary seems like the right path? Here are a few approaches that can help you be more effective in moving toward this style of relating: Practice unilateral disarmament – This is a technique I often introduce to couples that is valuable to implement in heated moments when an argument is going nowhere. Mr. No one can expect any one person to meet all their needs. For instance I knew I wanted to date someone who was a big reader like myself. I’ve had two guys reply enthusiastically; I was texting the first one every day for the week before and after our wonderful 5-hour first date, but he became less and less communicative when stressful stuff (which I believe, since we disclosed mental health stuff early on and he told me a lot about what was happening) came up. The “strong, silent type” is definitely not for me. I liked saying “I’m looking for someone who is open to the possibility of marriage but not having more kids.” (I was okay with the idea of stepping 1-2 kids of a certain age, but not birthing or adopting). I know I’m a reader, education matters to me (so many friends and relatives are teachers, I have multiple degrees), and that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life automatically mentally proofreading everything my significant other writes down (or cringing internally over horrifyingly bad spoken grammar faux pas). I sorta started having that moment too. Perfect and I don’t have to settle but I am willing to work at it. or if there is some class stuff (I’ve never met an upper-class man with a ponytail). Anyway – a lot of luck went into my experience but I do think it helps to use a site which you have to pay for, if that’s an option for you. (I’m probably going to be diving into the dating world again soon, and I’m totally going to use this. Unfortunately the older I get the more cranky I am about dating, and the less likely it seems that I’ll find another person who interests me enough to date them. “There is no right answer, only your answer” — Love that! Another one that makes me skeeve: “What kind of men do you like?”, Yes, that, or they’ll tell me why I’m wrong to want what I want. Before you meet, rehearse the most important things you want to say – but don’t give a totally “canned” performance. ?” talk. And they love me with my rough edges and opinions and even my friends with kids love me despite knowing I honestly kind of hate kids and don’t ever want to settle anywhere. I found someone who is willing to work at it too. I was also honest about my appearance/height/weight, general possible dealbreakers (feminism, being a take charge woman, etc). More power to us all!! Also, quiet people are great, but my wordy ADHD ass shouldn’t date them. I never understood why I got so many creepy, inappropriate, or throwaway messages from “legitimate” OLD site users. Found my husband online – he was wonderfully open and honest about himself and his message showed he read my profile, had zero entitlement re: my response or interest, and was just introducing himself. Feeling connected to what you want in the present makes you feel vulnerable, like you can be hurt all over again. “Someone who makes me feel good!” is a reasonable answer! Thanks for this, I feel uplifted. And then I realized it was the opposite and was so happy. I loved that he calmed me down, he loved that I brought excitement into his life. From an early age, I always... 3. It’s clear and it leaves open all kinds of possibility. I haven’t looked at dating sites in ages (not since I was working on a thesis project ages ago) and one thing that I found immediately distasteful (besides Ayn Rand, “no fat chix,” fedoras for no good reason and professions of being a really Nice Guy to whom the bitches just don’t give a chance) were multiple egregious grammar and spelling errors. 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